Great Grief

The mother of a dear, real-life friend has died. All her Facebook friends are saying how sad they are because of her daughter’s loss and offering their condolences. I don’t do that. People who know how close I am to my friend — and how close I was to her mother, too — want to know why. I almost feel like I want to send out a Facebook post to join in the mourning. Should I? Do I have to explain? — Anonymous, Gallatin

You’re in mourning, and you’ve got the right to deal with it as you please. Being close friends with the daughter, I’m sure you’ve already been on the phone with her, and maybe you’re making a contribution to some good cause in her mother’s memory. No, if you think the people out there in the internet world are piling on, you don’t have to get into the who-can-be-saddest contest. There does sometimes seem to be a bit of one-upmanship involved in all these posts — perhaps so the rest of the world can see how sad they are about the loss of a person they didn’t know. But who knows how well they know your friend or her mother? The internet seems an unseemly place to be sad, but when you decide what to do, be careful not to do something you may regret. Your friend may not be checking her Facebook regularly right now. Keeping in touch with her will be the best thing — for her and for you.

The Chosen Name

Our first baby is scheduled to arrive in a couple of months. It’s going to be a boy, and my husband and I decided we wanted to give him a name that would be unusual but lovely. We found a woman online who gives ideas and advice on baby names. There was a charge, and she suggested Eithan. We both like it a lot. Now, it turns out that a friend of ours, whose baby is due at about the same time, has announced that she’s also naming her little boy Eithan because she heard the name from us and she likes it. We’re insulted. I think I want to tell the mother how we feel. Tell me what to say, please. — Anonymous, Historic Belmont

You can’t copyright a name. The other mother-to-be is jumping on your good choice — and your good money, too. So go ahead and ask her why she made the decision to snatch the lovely, slightly odd-ish name. (That was a clever move on her part.) There’s no way you can stop her, but the babies aren’t here yet. The two boys are unlikely to grow up side by side forever, even if they start out that way in prekindergarten. There’s unlikely to be any confusion when they make their applications for college or sign up for a mortgage. There are options, however. “Eithan” is a tad unusual. How do you plan to pronounce it once the baby’s here? “Ee-than” or “Eye-than”? You and the other mother may be able to make your peace over how to say the baby’s name. Either that or start making applications to separate pre-K’s right now.