The big night before the big day

Published On: April 13, 2009

by Marilee Spanjian

It’s only January, and Katie Steele’s summer social plate is nearly full. Not only will she co-chair this year’s Swan Ball, she and her husband Tom are hosting two rehearsal dinners. In May, their son John will marry Monty Groome down in New Orleans, and in July, their son Paul will marry Jenny Lind in Napa Valley, Calif.  

Katie doesn’t sound too ruffled, although, she says, “I’m going to rely on the brides’ wedding planners for ideas and suggestions and take my lead from my boys. Each son has a clear idea of what he wants, so I’m letting them tell me what to do….We want them to look back and remember it was fun.”

According to local wedding planners, Katie’s on the right track. When it comes to rehearsal dinners, the one crucial rule is this: as long as it doesn’t “overshadow or outdo the wedding reception,” you’ll be fine, says Anne Clayton, director of food and beverage at Cheekwood Botanical Garden and Museum of Art and a local event planner for 28 years.

Everyone needs to relax

The purpose for this dinner hasn’t changed. It’s the time for close friends and families to get to know each other and give everyone a chance to toast the wedding couple. Shirley Horowitz, whose son Joseph married Mary Michael Armour in October, hosted the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony and the reception at her home. “Everything does not have to be perfect,” she says. “Before the rehearsal dinner, a generator blew, so we rented one for the weekend, which came in handy.” Many homeowners don’t realize that a band’s sound system cannot run on a residential unit alone; the band will short-circuit all the electricity.  They ended up using the generator at the reception when the Jimmy Church Revue struck up. “We had so much fun, I can honestly say it was really enjoyable and low-key. Let’s all come and celebrate and have a good time.”

The guest list

Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner was for the wedding party, their spouses or dates, the bride and groom’s parents, siblings and the officiant and his/her spouse.  That’s still the norm, although many couples are opening it up to more family and friends and adding another party immediately after the rehearsal dinner to turn the wedding into a weekend affair.

Last October,  Trip and DeeDee (Wade) Todd were married in Nashville.  Their rehearsal dinner was a formal seated dinner for 50. However, immediately after, Trip’s parents hosted a party for 200 people, mostly out-of-town guests.

Anne Clayton has a client who is planning a rehearsal party for this summer. “They plan to have a seated dinner for 150 and then have invited another group to come after the dinner and join them for dessert, coffee and dancing....There will be lots of out-of-town guests, and the bride and groom want it to be a weekend of great parties,” she says.

Tux or jeans?

Take your cue from the wedding reception and the style the bride and groom are after, wedding planners suggest. “I am seeing more casual rehearsal dinners,” Anne says. “Most of my clients are having a formal wedding the next day and look at the rehearsal party as a fun night for family and friends to mix and mingle since, in most cases, there are lots of family members that have never met.”

Give the dinner its own twist

Karen Kaforey, owner of b. Hughes Bridal in Belle Meade and Signature Events, Inc., agrees. “Rehearsal dinner menus are usually very different; you don’t want your guests to dine on the same food two nights in a row.”

For dessert, Anne Clayton suggests serving the groom’s cake. “It’s usually served at the wedding reception, but why not let the groom’s cake be the centerpiece of the rehearsal dinner party? It makes for great photos and the groom gets to be center stage. Probably for the last time.”

To personalize the meal, take a cue from the groom’s family heritage, suggests event planner Elizabeth James. When Catherine Earthman married Tommy Polk at Antrim, a farm in Columbia, the couple cut the cake with a Civil War sword that had been in the family since it was given to General Leonidus Polk, with an inscription from his regiment.  The sword, first owned by the founder of the University of the South, has been used to cut Polk wedding cakes for a century and a half.

The Horowitzes’ challenge was using the same venue for both events. Shirley hired caterer Kristen Winston to create two distinct menus. “The most important things are to have great people and great food,” says Shirley. “Those two ingredients make it a wonderful wedding.” Kristen and wedding planner Helen Morissette also saw to it that the waitstaff were familiar with the house and tidied up perfectly after both events.

Bring out the tissues

Display photographs of the bride and groom from birth to the present,  Anne suggests. “Many of our clients set up elaborate collage displays for the guests to enjoy.  They are usually full of funny photos, many of which are a total—and sometimes embarrassing—surprise for the bride and groom. We see a lot of custom DVD presentations as well, complete with music and scripted commentary.  The rehearsal party is the perfect place for this sort of thing since these events tend to be much more intimate than the wedding reception.”

Now for the toasts…

The tradition of the groom’s father giving the first toast hasn’t changed. If he’s not available, then the brother of the groom, best man, best friend...and in the case of a deceased father, a favorite uncle usually steps in to do the honors. It’s also perfectly normal for the groom’s mother to welcome everyone.  The best man and the maid of honor usually add a few words. It’s also not unusual for rehearsal dinners to turn into “open mic” nights, according to both wedding planners.

This is where the rehearsal dinner can turn into a roast if someone doesn’t take control. “Sometimes things are ‘remembered’ that the bride and groom might not wish to make public…especially in front of their parents,” Anne says.

Pace yourself...this is the warm-up

Typically, the rehearsal dinner is held earlier in the evening, but it shouldn’t last longer than three hours. Figure around 30 to 40 minutes for cocktails and the rest of the time for the dinner, toasts and possibly a video.  At the Horowitz rehearsal dinner, tables were set up throughout the house. Rows of chairs were put in the den, where everyone gathered afterward to toast for about an hour. If an after-party is planned, you’ll want to keep things moving, Karen says.

Who pays the bill?

Tradition says the rehearsal dinner bill goes to the parents of the groom. But sometimes the parents of the bride step in,  Anne Clayton says. “Maybe the groom has been married before, and mom and dad do not feel they should pay for another rehearsal dinner. I have also had grandparents of the groom host rehearsal dinners, but nothing is carved in stone these days. People are waiting so much later in life to get married that, more often than not, the bride and groom are paying for everything themselves or getting a little help from their parents and putting in their own money to pay the difference.”