Politics as usual

Oyster Easter—dirty tricks and good times

Published On: May 13, 2010

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If only politicians were as honestly devious as those who run for Oyster Easter King and Queen. Yes, Oyster Easter, that rite of spring started in the ’60s and now a Nashville tradition for the Community Resource Center.

For those not in the know, candidates are selected to run for titles by raising donations and collecting the most oyster shells in their trash cans. Here’s where it gets good. Shells are stolen. Shells are illegally brought in. Money exchanges hands. We know—it’s politics as usual. But these candidates are so brazenly wicked in their fight to win. Let’s go over a few examples.

For two bucks, candidate Brent Young would give you a cup of Gummi Bears that had been soaked not just in Everclear, but also in vodka for good measure. (Dude, cute but slimy.) Then there’s Morelia Cuevas. She knows the way to a man’s heart. She had two stiletto-sporting, rabbit-earred “bunnies” handing out shots of tequila and cigars. Her father Manuel looked on approvingly, sipping tequila.

But perhaps the most outrageous of candidates? Our own photog fatale—Eric England. He had folks “on the job,” he said, glancing at a mysterious bearded friend with dark shades, pushing a dolly with a bulky bag of what we suspect were stolen shells. Eric also promised people to run their pictures in Nfocus if they gave him shells. If they didn’t? Eric’s pretty good at PhotoShop, so there’s a possibility that some may look a little older or uglier in the magazine. Teasing!

Adam Dread tossed out shocking yet hysterical one-liners and escorted Oyster Easter candidate Mindy McCready onto the grounds. If you don’t know Mindy from country music, you may have seen her on Celebrity Rehab or read in the tabloids about her affair with baseball’s Roger Clemens. She’s actually a lovely girl.

The hardest working candidate award went to Haylee Hall who arrived early to set up an intricate photo booth and tattoo station. She even had her own mother wear a shirt that read “Vote for Haylee so I can be a mother of a shucker.”

After a day of South Street’s food, Blackstone Beer, Les Kerr and the Bayou Band's tunes and a hula hoop contest, the votes were in. Walker Shell and Morelia won the titles but Mindy, Brent, Haylee, Ann Martin, Eric and David Smith were on their heels. EN

—photographs by eric england and sinclair kelly